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How I Failed: A Introspective Perspective (Journal Musing from February 2018)

Updated: Aug 18, 2020

I would put all my energy in trying to make it work, trying to help another heal, but would abandon my own needs or truth in the process, because the desire to recognize or honor my own worth was not as strong as it was for me to show you yours.

Was I aware of this mindset?

Was I aware of this pattern?

No, for I did not keep my heart with all diligence for out of my soul flowed the controlling forces in my life (of being self-absorbed with hiding in fear and not healing in faith). As I owned my stuff, the light bulb came on and I realized the epiphany out of my own strongholds that my torrid decisions and emotional dysfunctions had left me more raw and exposed than before.

Vulnerability liberates but living in condemning shame stagnates.

Alas, I was the common denominator in this series of events and had to ask myself: what was I contributing that left my soul and heart so ravaged? The trumpets sounded, the lights turned on with an "ah ha!" and in that moment it all made sense. I can now speak my truth and come from an authentic place of transparency free from shame and condemnation, yet infused with humility and transformation. My truth may not be THE truth, yet it is an acknowledgement of my emotional and mental location and disposition. That light moment revealed itself in my dark, dry places, concealed where others do not know or see, and sometimes I was not aware in darkness, hidden.

It matters not if I am understood or heard; it only matters that I take responsibility for my own outcome instead of placing the power in the hands of another.

The opinions of other people aren't facts. Nobody is an expert in the realities of your life.

I don’t regret the path taken or the experiences had, including the heartaches, some consequential, others circumstantial and some accidental, others incidental, and some self-imposed, others situational. For each experience brought me to this point: the point of seeing my intrinsic worth and value, the point of what I look like now, is not what I will look like later, something we all are born with. We must nurture it firstly within before it will be mirrored to us fully. It’s not about being defined by ego or conceit, but knowing, from an inner love, care and wisdom, that others cannot define the value we all possess.

Despite everything, I’m still human, and sometimes I catch myself falling into that old, familiar pattern of thinking and then experience the greatness of love. But before I fall too deep, I bring myself up again. I cannot undo the past but I certainly can lay the groundwork for my present and my future, to cultivate fertile soil where my needs are nurtured and my worth is evident, ultimately leading to the continued transformation of character.

The result: confronting the lies that hold me back AND discover the truth that sets me free.

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